Mango Bay

Update.

2005-01-06T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Well, everything's packed. I got my baking dish back. I didn't change any addresses yet, but who cares, that takes 30.

It's 11:45 PM.

I'm ready to get the fuck outta here.

(Not that it hasn't been great! BOULDA 4-EVA! Mad crazy propers to my peoples!)

What is up.

2005-01-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

Let me just put down my ripe, delicious mango for a moment and let you all in on what is up with Ben, the author of this webpage!

Welp! Friday, I begin the two-day trek to Arizona, which will be my new home for the unforeseen future. Check that out, huh? Six months ago, I moved to Boulder, declared I'd never leave. A month ago, I backed up that wild claim by signing a year lease here at the ol' Boulder Creek apartments. And now, I'm breaking said lease, paying ridiculous amounts of money to do so, and getting the hell out of here!

I'll put my "to-do" schedule here, so you can all hold me to this. Not a lot of time left, and a lot-- well, actually, not much left to do at this point, but let's do it anyway. Please call me at least three times a day to check up and make sure I'm doing the following items at the prescribed time:

TASK: Pack up.
WHEN: Thursday, 1/6.
HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE: I'll block out four hours for it, but in reality, if it takes more than 1:30, I'll be shocked. I've got like, six books, four DVDs, two CDs, and some dishes and pans.

TASK: Get my baking dish back from Dawn
WHEN: Before COB, Thursday
HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE: Zero seconds, but probably won't happen anyway. Well. The poor girl needs a baking dish. I'm only too happy to help.

TASK: Change addresses.
WHEN: Thursday
HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE: However long it takes to go to a couple websites and call a couple credit card companies and change my address with 'em. What, 30 minutes tops?

TASK: Take cable modem back to Comcast
WHEN: Ehhh. Friday, midday. I don't wanna do it Thursday, cuz then I'll have nothing to do Thursday night except drink and read. Well. Wait, that's not all bad. Maybe Thursday.
HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE: Five minutes to find the Comcast office, 15 minutes to drive there, and then however long it takes them to sort the thing out. I hope it ain't like the DMV.

TASK: Square things with Boulder Creek
WHEN: Friday morning.
HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE: Hopefully, three seconds. "Here's a shitload of money you don't deserve, here's my keys, have a nice life, late."

Okay! So, check back often to see how things are going. And here! Enjoy a delicious MANGO!

I'm having one!

Walkin' the Walk

2005-01-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hey, for all y'alls think I just be talkin' big 'bout my mad crazy mango styles, peep dis: I'm enjoying a can of (canned) mangoes RIGHT NOW, as a dessert for my lunch of BAG OF BEEF JERKY.

I talk the mango talk, sure.

But I walk the mango walk, additionally.

No comment?!

2005-01-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with you people?! I left the comment feature open to everyone, including anonymous users and nonymous users! But still nothing! Well, if you're not going to utilize the feature which lets us, the person writing this, hear from YOU, the person (or persons) reading this, then I might as well go back over to my real website, the venereal SO NOW THEN DOT NET!!!

Maybe you're just nervous, and think you don't know quite what's involved in leaving a comment worthy of such a mango-laden website such as this one. Here! Let me walk you through it with some examples! In the meantime, you may wish to grab a snack, perhaps some Flamin'-Hot(TM) Cheetos-Brand(R) Cheetos(NC-17) to munch on while I teach you. (Just remember to wash your hands before trying it yourself, or you'll get all that red goo all over the keyboard!)

EXAMPLE 1, which I call: POSITIVE FEEDBACK

Hey ben. Love your new website. I especially like how it's not like every single other blog I've ever visited since I was born unto this Earthly plane, in which people whine and complain about how horrible their comfortable, easy-street lives are. "Hi, I'm typing this on a computer, hooked up to the internet, living in a heated home with plenty of food and probably doting parents to cater to my every whim as long as I yell loud enough. But BOY does my life suck! My girlfriend always tries to do special orders at McDonalds which is embarrassing, and also my butt itches! I hate everything." Man. That gets old after about immediately, I'll tell ya. Anyhoo, keep up the good work, and maybe pray to Jesus once in a while if you don't wanna go to hell."

See, now? Wasn't that nice? And it probably wouldn't take you more than a lunch hour to bang one of those out. Now let's take a look at another example, called NEGATIVE FEEDBACK:

wtf is this???? u r not talkn about anyting cool and u r not funny and ur other websites suxx also. hey, and sorry i aint returned that $1600 which u lent to me last, what, august, and i still havent paid back even tho i said i wuld by like octobor or somethin... oh which remind me can i borrow another $300? ill pay you back by march i sware

Even easier to write, because you don't have to look at the keyboard, or a dictionary, or most likely your bank account. And no, you can NOT have $300, until I get my $1600 back first, DICK.

Here's another, short example, which, for a title, I'll have to go with PEDANTIC PETE:

Hey. Good site and all, but the stuff that gets all over your fingers from Cheetos is orange, not red.

I can't in all honesty recommend writing a PEDANTIC PETE comment, because, in every single case, you will be wrong. For instance, the Petey above was wrong, because he failed to realized I was speaking of the "Flamin'-Hot" variety of Cheetos, which are, of course, red. So, don't do what Donny Don't does. Err, Pedantic Pete, rather.

And your comment doesn't even have to be that complicated. Just a simple "lol" will do. Or even a "fart, heheeee". Or a link to a porn site! Or, porn itself! The sky's the limit, because everyone's just lyin' under the sun, sippin' rum drinks, and watchin' the waves roll in, here...

...at MANGO BAY!

How's it goin', Mons!!

2005-01-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

Irie, irie! How have you all been enjoying the veritable sea of do-- err, mangoes here at the 'Bay? Can I get ya a gooey blender drink, and take you back to my apartment on the beach?! Well, you just let me know, cuz I'm like a warm tropical breeze, and I'm here to blow!

But, as this is a blog, I suppose I should talk about myself for a bit.

Well, actually, I don't feel like doing that. I've been talking about myself for ten years now on these websites, and now that everyone's doing it, it just seems so... cheap and hackneyed. Truth is, though, I don't have much to say to anyone about anything lately. I haven't spent one second of my life with a friend or even vague acquaintance for nearly two weeks now. Two weeks of complete social isolation. A lot of people, this would drive crazy. Me, it just kinda shuts me up.

Doesn't help that I truly haven't done anything worth noting in that same time period. Barely left the apartment, and when I did, it was either to grocery shop or to go sit at a bar and drink, again alone.

So, I mean, what kind of blog is that going to make, really? A guy who doesn't do anything, and doesn't even want to talk about the things he DID do. Is this setting the table for a thrilling journey of the mind?

I mean. Really now.

Version 2!

2005-01-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

I was recently informed that the previous name of this place contained a word which, unbeknownst to me, is considered an ethnic slur in many backwards, primitive places in the world (Detroit), so I changed it to something I hope we can all get behind. Mangoes! (And bays!)

Now we can pretend that they're not dots, they're actually mangoes! Don't you feel like you're lying on some Caribbean beach under the glow of the full moon, now?

(Hopefully, "mango" is not a derogatory term for Jamaicans or some shit.)

(Wait, can I say "shit" on these things?)

Check out all these smashing dots!

2005-01-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

I was determined to sit here and spend at least a good three, four minutes figuring out how to best set this place up. And then it hit me: DOTS! Let's put as many dots on the screen at one time as humanly possible, for no reason whatsoever!

I actually like the template used by my friend jess better, but I won't be accused of stylistic plagiarism before this place even gets off the ground.

(Which, let's face it, it won't.)

In other news, I made my own blackened salmon caesar salad today, making my own dressing, my own croutons, and farm-raising the salmon myself! I also used my kiln to make the plates, and hand-painted each of them with a Spirograph. Then I hand-woved (?) the napkins while I was in the can.

But now? Now it's all about dots, baby.

Welcome to another short-lived thing.

2005-01-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

This must be very exciting for you, the reader, who previously only had approximately 13 other websites where you could view my work.

Normally, I'd write stuff at sonowthen.net, but as the people at iPowerWeb are incompetent LIARS, I'm unable to reach the site at this present moment. But stay tuned!